What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Randomize
