She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
