can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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