Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
