Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
