Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I smell like Dick and happiness
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