did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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