If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
