the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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