Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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