You're completely useless in the revolution.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
