god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
there is glitter all over my balls
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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