I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
