so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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