Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
