fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
