Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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