I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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