This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
