Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
a search helicopter?!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
