I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
