I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
