I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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