FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
