Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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