In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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