they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
