note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
