how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
