The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
