the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
