I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize