New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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