and next time when you feel me up, do it right
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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