I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
