You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
