Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
