just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
