I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my being single is dangerous.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize