The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
