if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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