Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
