the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
