Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
