I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
