I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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