He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Less talking, more tequila
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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