If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
