I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
