Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
