Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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