Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
