made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
